


Mannequins.

by FeliciaAmelloides



Series: A Oneshot a Day... [140]
Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, M/M, Soulmate AU, aged up character(s), alcohol use, lawyer AU, mild violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 08:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14690262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeliciaAmelloides/pseuds/FeliciaAmelloides
Summary: Kyle was stuck in a rut. He had lost touch with his friends, family, even God, and what was left? A dead end job as a defence attorney, a shitty apartment in Denver and an empty glass at a bar he didn’t care about.One fateful barfight later, and he came to the realisation that sometimes you have to lose something to gain something new...





	Mannequins.

**Author's Note:**

> Soulmate AU in which Kyle and Cartman are in their mid-twenties.
> 
> I’m back with another weird soulmate AU! Luckily this one isn’t as strange as my last one, probably because it isn’t a crackfic. Also AO3 deleted all of these notes the first time I wrote them out so I’m annoyed and cutting most of the stuff I excitedly said before.
> 
> I think Cartman is a bit OOC in this one (so’s Kyle tbh -.-) and the burn is a little too fast for my liking, but I hope you like it anyway! I actually found this one to be a lot of fun to write, despite the fact that I skipped out on revising for my final exams to write it!

Some days Kyle would gaze into his glass and realise that he had wasted his life. School flew by in a blur, then college, then his days as an intern before working his way up in the ranks until he became one of Colorado’s greatest defence attorneys. Now he lived in Denver, far from the crazy town he’d grown up in, with no proper friends and no soulmate. His old best friend, Stan, had gone on a life-changing journey around the world to find his own soulmate, and what had Kyle done? Just sat around hoping that some day he’d find them. Maybe he never would.

The creak of the barstool next to him startled Kyle out of his reverie, immediately setting him on alert. If someone was near you in a bar like this, it was usually bad news. Slowly to be as discreet as possible, he flicked his green eyes towards the person who had sat down beside him. To his surprise and annoyance, it was the prosecutor he’d fought against in his last court session. 

Eric T. Cartman was one of the best prosecutors in the city, just as Kyle was one of the best defence attorneys. They had done battle many times over their years in law, just as they had done battle during their childhood. The rivalry they shared had never really simmered down, which sometimes led to full on brawls in the courtroom resulting in the judge having to call in armed guards to tear them apart. It wasn’t something Kyle was _proud_ of per se, but he was just never able to control himself around Cartman. It was like the man’s very existence pissed him off. And the feeling was hardly one-sided.

“‘Sup Jew?” Cartman asked casually upon noticing Kyle’s stare. He made a big deal of looking surprise despite clearly having deliberately sat right next to the ginger in order to bug him. Kyle’s pensive stare turned to an irritated scowl very quickly.

“Don’t belittle my people, asshole.” He kept his tone even to be tactful; Cartman hadn’t done anything particularly rage-inducing yet. If he didn’t show a reaction, he wouldn’t keep pushing for one.

“Psh, whatever. Anyway, what’re you doing here?” The sudden change of subject startled Kyle at first before he realised that Cartman was just getting straight to the point. Of course he wanted something.

“Drinking. That’s what most people do at a bar, _Cartman_.” His eyes narrowed at the brunet’s smirk.

“Drinking? But Kahl! Doesn’t that go against your Jewish principles? Did you make sure that drink was kosher before downing it?” Cartman put on his false sweet tone which Kyle had heard so many times over the years that it didn’t even have the intended effect anymore. Blood boiled in his veins, a red haze settling over his field of vision.

“Not every Jew keeps kosher, Cartman! But... it was, for your information. Dick.” Kyle muttered the last bit begrudgingly, annoyed that his habit of being pedantic had gotten in the way of him having the upper hand over Cartman. The ‘dick’ just laughed, signalling to the bartender with one hand. The man didn’t even come over to take his order, instead heading over to the pumps to pour his drink. Kyle supposed it made sense that Cartman came there often. Weird that he’d never seen him there before though.

“You’re such a hypocrite, y’know that Kahl?” Cartman’s words took a moment to register in Kyle’s mind, but when they did he fixed him with a pointed glare.

“What makes you say that?” He asked as civilly as possible, holding onto the remnants of his composure by a thread. Had Cartman always been able to provoke him so quickly? He didn’t know.

“You only stick to your ‘Jewish principles’,” This time he made obnoxious air quotes which only served to further irritate the slightly taller man sitting next to him, “When you feel like it. Sometimes you keep kosher, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you celebrate Hanukkah, sometimes Christmas. Sometimes you care about Passover, and other times you don’t give a flying fuck. Which is it, Jew?” Cartman’s mocking tone and the way he’d somehow picked up Kyle’s recent lack of following his religion really hit hard. 

Lately, it was true that Kyle had lost a little faith in his God. He’d seen so many horrible things while working as a defence attorney that he just didn’t understand how God could allow them. And with the busy nature of his job, he just didn’t have time to worry about his religious practises. It wasn’t something he realised Cartman had picked up on, how sometimes he went to the office Christmas parties while other times he pretended to be celebrating Hanukkah so he could catch up on work at home. How had he even noticed that when no one else had?

“Shut up.” Kyle said instead of any of that. He just wanted Cartman to stop reminding him of his own failings. The earlier alcohol-induced existential thoughts echoed through his mind. He really had wasted his life.

“Stop avoiding the question, _Kahl_ ,” Cartman dragged out the syllables to make the deliberate nature of his mispronunciation of Kyle’s name even more obvious, “Are you Jewish, or are you just faking for moral high ground?” The way he spoke snapped something within Kyle. He drew his fist back and hit hard. Cartman screamed and fell of the barstool, Kyle following after him with a screech of fury. Fists flew and shouts echoed through the bar as the few other patrons began to cheer them on. Cartman soon started fighting back, leading the bar straight into a blood-stained, chaotic wreck of carnage.

Meanwhile, neither man managed to notice as a little wooden mannequin fell from Kyle’s pocket where he had placed it long ago for safekeeping. The mannequin tumbled to floor, bounced where it should have broken, and landed a few feet away from Cartman as he was once more sent crashing to the floor. For a split second Cartman’s eyes landed on the mannequin and stuck there before Kyle was upon him again.

No one noticed Cartman scoop up the tiny doll as the bartender threw a screaming Kyle from the bar. No one paid attention as he carefully pocketed it before leaving the bar himself, dropping a few dollars on the counter for the beer he never drank on the way. No one realised the monumental gravity of what he had just done. But he did.

*

Cartman sat at his desk with a small frown set into his face as he contemplated the two mannequin dolls in front of him. They both looked identical- plain, wooden mannequins, about the size of an apple, the kind you might see on stands as anatomical models for art. But these were no ordinary artist’s tool. When a child was born, a mannequin just like these would appear mysteriously around their necks or on their chests or tied to their cribs within a few days. These were soulmate dolls. And Cartman had a theory he wanted to test.

He liked seeing Kyle angry. But as he grew up, he began to realise that the utter hatred he felt for him wasn’t really hatred at all. Because really, he preferred it when Kyle smiled at him than when he glared. Of course, he’d never admit it out loud. Not when anyone else was around. At home, however, he could admit such a thing. Which was why he knew he had to take Kyle’s mannequin the moment he saw it and realised it was blank. He didn’t have a soulmate yet, just like Cartman himself. So maybe... obviously it was far fetched and extremely unlikely, but _still_...

Cartman took one doll in each hand, then with a deep breath, he gently pressed them together and closed his eyes.

The moment before he opened his eyes was one of the most excruciating ones in his life. He was terrified yet prepared at the same time to see the blank mannequins in his hand, but even more afraid of the alternative. Because if he opened his eyes and those mannequins weren’t blank, it would change everything. 

He opened his eyes.

*

Kyle paced anxiously to and fro in the main lobby of his workplace. When he returned home after the previous night’s fight, he had felt his pocket to find it completely empty. His soulmate mannequin, the one thing he was relying upon to turn his life around, was gone. Over the course of the day, he’d barely been able to concentrate. His colleagues had had to snap their fingers three times in front of his face before he noticed them, and even then he was unfocused. Already he felt that his case would be over. Looking at the clock, he saw that there were only five minutes until the court was back in session. He blinked hard, not really wanting to see Cartman again but knowing he had to, and inhaled deeply.

When Kyle stepped out into the courtroom, Cartman wasn’t there.

Once the entire jury arrived and the judge had organised her papers ready to begin, Cartman still hadn’t arrived.

Even when the innocent man Kyle was defending and the two men and a woman pitted against him on the other side of the room had entered, Cartman was completely MIA.

The brunet finally arrived twenty minutes late, bursting into the room with a flushed face, breathing heavily. Kyle shot him a sharp glare from across the room and the judge irritably chastised him for his tardiness before telling him to go to his post.

The session was... a strange one, to say the least. Both Kyle and Cartman were completely out of it, Kyle from his slight hangover and worry over the doll and Cartman over... something, Kyle had no clue what. But this lack of professionalism from both parties caused the case to fall flat a little, suddenly ending in Kyle’s client aggressively screaming that he was guilty at the same time as one of the men against him. The woman then burst into tears and ran from the courtroom, resulting in the judge calling a break.

Everyone filed out of the room until eventually only Kyle, Cartman and the judge were left.

“I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but I hope you remember that this is a serious case. Go and review your notes with this new information in mind. I expect you back here promptly. That includes you, Mr Cartman.” She said curtly. Kyle would have laughed if he wasn’t so stressed, both by the fact that his client just confessed to a crime he previously said he didn’t commit, and, again, by his lost chance to find true love. 

“Hey, Kyle. Can I talk to you for a moment?” Cartman suddenly whispered in his ear. Kyle gave him a sceptical look. Cartman almost never pronounced his name right nowadays unless it was something serious. That meant... He quickly nodded against his better judgment. Immediately the brunet grabbed his wrist and led him out of the courtroom to God knows where.

They ended up in a broom closet with their case notes stacked precariously on top of a box. Kyle kept an even glare directed at Cartman as he began to fidget and become nervous.

“Hurry up and say whatever you wanted to say, Cartman. I need to go over my notes.” Cartman returned his glare this time, eyes going cold in his attempt to look aloof before flashing with emotion once more. 

“Face it Jew. Your guy confessed. It’s over.” He stated bluntly, reaching slowly into his pocket. Kyle frowned.

“That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over. He’s confused, he could have just been saying things to try and close the case. That’s why I need to _review_ my _evidence_ so I can find out what’s going on here.” The ginger emphasised his words carefully to try and get his point across to the shorter man in front of him. 

“Listen to this first, okay? It’s important,” Kyle raised an eyebrow, “I swear Kahl, it is!” The iteration of those words from _that_ song sent uncomfortable memories flooding through Kyle’s mind. When he looked at Cartman, he wondered why the hell he’d done that back then. He then noticed the brunet extract something from his pocket and hide it behind his back.

“What did you just take out of your pocket?” He asked suspiciously, eyes narrowed and stance firm in case he had to fight his way out of there. That would be unlikely if this was anyone but Cartman. The man shifted again, seeming somewhat... sheepish.

“U-um... That’s the thing, actually. You know last night? How you gave me this black eye?” He pointed dramatically at the smudge around his eye. Kyle rolled his own eyes.

“W-well...” Cartman took a deep, audible breath, then spoke so quickly it was almost impossible for Kyle to understand him, “I may or may not have noticed you dropped your soulmate doll thingy during our fight last night, and I may or may not have gotten curious and taken it home, and I also may or may not have tried touching it to mine to see if anything would happen, and, um, something may or may not have happened!” The rush of words was difficult to comprehend, with Kyle only being able to pick out ‘your soulmate doll’, ‘taken home’ and ‘touching it to mine’. Fortunately, that was all he needed to understand the situation. He stumbled backwards into the shelves within the closet, eyes wide and lips parted.

“No... No... Y-you’re kidding, right? This is some kind of sick joke?” Cartman’s expression answered his question for him. Finally the brunet removed his hand from behind his back and held it up to Kyle in a slow, almost reluctant manner. Kyle could barely bring himself to look at it, but he forced himself anyway.

There, nestled into Cartman’s somewhat meaty palm, were two soulmate dolls. One was moulded into the shape of Kyle, with a little suit and stack of case notes in hand just to make it more accurate. As for the other doll, Kyle’s doll... It was a tiny Cartman. Cute and incredibly accurate in the way that only a soulmate doll could be, with exactly the same hairs out of place to perfectly mirror the real Cartman’s dishevelled appearance. Kyle reached out hesitantly to take his doll back, numbed by the shock of it all. His soulmate, the one true love he’d desired for so many years, the One who would sweep him off his feet and turn his whole life around... was none other than Eric Cartman, the guy he’d hated since at least fourth grade, the guy he’d been beating up just the previous night, the guy who was looking up at him with a shy expression he’d never seen before.

“You stole my soulmate doll.” Kyle said, breaking the silence. Cartman nodded too quickly. 

“I did.” He confirmed, seeming to not know what else to say. For once, Kyle actually had to agree with him. There wasn’t really anything they could say in this situation. 

“You’re... my soulmate.” Again, Cartman nodded.

“I am.” Silence descended upon the lawyers in the closet yet again. They just stared into each other’s eyes, green on brown, indecision, fear and a tiny hint of excitement lingering between their heated gazes, just waiting to breach the surface. 

Eventually Cartman cleared his throat awkwardly and asked in a manner which could almost be described as shy, “What do we... what do we do now?” Kyle just shrugged.

“How am I supposed to know?” He asked irritably, but he couldn’t bring himself to get too angry. The whole situation was just... weird. 

“Do you, um... Do you wanna find out?” Cartman finally queried after yet another awkward silence. Kyle’s eyes widened to saucers, but he couldn’t help but feel intrigued by the somewhat flirtatious undertones of his longtime rival’s question.

Now that he thought about it, maybe Cartman really could have been his soulmate all along. They’d known each other since preschool, and even after all their other friends left to travel new horizons, they’d both moved to Denver and gotten jobs as lawyers working for the same firm. Could it be fate? Wait, no, he was being stupid! Kyle internally slapped himself to remain calm. He hated Cartman. Soulmate or not, they weren’t going to be together. But still...

If he wanted to turn his life around and make it into something he wouldn’t consider to be a waste, he’d have to take a few leaps.

So without thinking, without needing to think, he held his soulmate doll tighter and nodded. Cartman smiled, and together they closed the distance between them.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this turned out okay. Soulmate AUs are some of my favourites because there’s are so many things you can do with them! That’s why a surprisingly large amount of my 365 writing prompts are about them.
> 
> I was listening to my Kyman playlist while writing this, so I was feeling pretty inspired. It’s shorter than some of the ones on Spotify, uses my smut pseud as a username and has a lot of songs that only remind me of Kyman because of Styman AMVs (According to You and F*ck You Better), but I’m gonna shamelessly self-advertise it anyway- https://open.spotify.com/user/schwiftyjerry666/playlist/2Ak2UOd7Bo1WMYBK4GB21S?si=ZDzOz_22TK2bYCgS1vwqsg
> 
> Prompt- Soulmate AU- Everyone in the world has a tiny mannequin doll which turns into a mini version of their soulmate when it touches their soulmate's doll.
> 
> Original Number- 250.
> 
> A nice number. One of my favourites.


End file.
